“In the morning, I would just lie there and I couldn’t wait to go hang out with my friends. But with you, I was already with a friend.”


Listen. I love you. I always will, you should know that by now, and I will no matter what, which I hope you also know. And catching up is always nice. It’s nice that we can talk now without our conversations devolving into bitterness and rage. God knows it took a long time to get here and I consider it a hard-won prize.

But what I need, you can’t give me. You know how I say things and you think I’m a loon and you wonder why I’m so weird and why I feel it necessary actually to say those things out loud? That’s what I need. That’s what I need in return. I need to say them and I need to hear them said back to me. Can you understand that?

Don’t misunderstand, I don’t mean that my saying it comes with a pricetag or an IOU or that my expressing myself to you means that you owe me anything. Quite the contrary. In the sense that you will never owe me anything for the affection I feel for you, I’m yours and always will be. My love, whatever it may be worth to you, will always be yours and I give it freely and hope it makes your burden a little lighter. 

But that stuff that you don’t know what to do with? That stuff that freaks you out and makes you clam up and disappear? I need that. It’s like oxygen to me and I can’t live without it.

Words. Expression. Emotion. I need to send them out and I need them in return and, let’s face it, kid, these are not your forte. And that’s okay. I don’t know what you need because you don’t often say what you need, but I hope you’re getting it, whatever it is. I hope your life is filled with it.

As for me, I don’t know what I’ll do. I’ve been a little off my game these last 48 hours - you always have that effect on me - but the turnaround time is light years shorter than it used to be and I’ll be back on track any minute now. And then I’ll just keep waiting, I guess. I’ll wait here until there’s some expression coming my way. Until someone somewhere can match me emotion for emotion. Go ahead and laugh, I know you will. I know you think I’m ridiculous. Sometimes even I think there’s not a snowball’s chance in hell of finding someone who can match me where this is concerned. But there’s got to be someone in the world, just one man is all I need to find, who’ll appreciate this part of me. Who’ll think it’s fantastic. Who’ll know what to do with it. Who’ll know what to do with me.

And if there’s not? Well, then I’ll just be alone. It’s too soul killing to spend one’s time trying to make someone give you something they just can’t. I don’t want to do that ever again. I’m stubborn enough to make being alone work. I’m stubborn enough to be happy doing it, too. I’ll be happy out of spite, if I have to, but I won’t settle for getting less than I need ever again. It’s no good for anyone that way, and good is what I’m looking for these days.


I’m scared.  I want to know that everything’s going to work out.  I want to know that it won’t always be like this.


“All lives end, all hearts are broken. Caring is not an advantage.”


Should the holiday season make me hate everyone this way? Probably not. And yet, here I am.

Get me home to my family already. Those are the only people I care about anymore.


And now I’m serving time for mistakes
Made by another in another lifetime 


Some days it’s all I can do to put one foot in front of the other.


I feel lost.  Alone as I feel the darkness settling around me.  I’m not scared, I’ve been here before.  But it hurts just the same.


For some of us, a day comes when we realize that our single greatest fear is real.  It’s a chilling, terrifying realization, but when the shock wears off, you realize you’re lucky, that you’ve been given a great gift.  If you can live with - sit with and absorb - the thing you thought you couldn’t, what have you left to fear?  Nothing.  Nothing at all.



Wrap your hand dear, stay here. I’ll bring a bandage for you. Keep the blood stopped until we reach the farm.You’ll never get used to this country life. Day’s toil too much for your soft, spoiled hands. Same ones I love that touch my face, wipe away dirt from the day. There’s a fire waiting in it’s place. Come along and we’ll dance with our flickering shadows cast on our dark room’s floor. Embrace of your arms keeps my heart close to yours. Beats aligned, now eyes fixed upon mine. Our soul’s inosculate into one. Winter wind whistles through the crack in our front door. Yet to fix it, this house always requires more.

With the fire now ember, you’ll shiver as we glide to our bed. My dear, come near, I’ll warm you under the covers. Realign our hearts as we sleep inside our winter cocoon of blankets. Until the first beam of light breaks through the frost covered windows. And awake still entangled in each other, souls combined. Safe together from the snow outside.

Reblogged from Misfortunes and Minor Victories.

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